Denial: Abuse, Addiction, and a Life Derailed by Nanette Kirsch—A Review and Discussion
This biography tells the story of Dave Wagner, a devout Catholic, husband, father of five children, and a victim of sexual abuse at the hands of a priest. Kirsch takes the reader through Dave’s life, from his childhood in Erie, Pennsylvania, his marriage, his career, and how everything was affected by the abuse he suffered. As a reader, you watch Dave’s life unravel as the trauma leads to alcoholism, a pornography and prostitution addiction, destroys his marriage, and ultimately ends his life.
I never expected this book to effect me the way it did. Of course, given the subject matter, I expected outrage and sadness, but this book offered a much greater experience. Reading this immediately became personal, as my mother was born in Erie, and it is only an hour away from my home. I am fully aware of the abuse scandal that came out in the early 2000s, but something about this book took my understanding to another level. It felt so close.
The book begins with a discussion on the presence of a higher power in suffering. Given that Dave was Catholic, Kirsch poses the question, where was God in Dave’s suffering? Why was this allowed to happen, especially to a child? My brother got married while I was reading Denial. As a bridesmaid, I stood in the front of the Orthodox Church my family attended while I was growing up. Though not personally religious, I could not stop my thoughts from going back to Dave, and the questions posed at the beginning of the book. No matter your religious convictions, this biography will not fail to make you think.
One great aspect of this book is how different it is from other abuse biographies and autobiographies, despite Dave’s similar story. The pastoral abuse he suffered was almost textbook; he experienced the same pattern of special treatment as the priest groomed and manipulated him. He felt the same guilt, shame, and feelings of powerlessness. What was different about Dave’s story, however, was the brutal honesty with which Kirsch discussed the effect that abuse had on his life. Dave was not portrayed as a fragile man in need of pity. Like many of the abused, Dave became an abuser. He abused his wife Mara as much as he abused alcohol. He preyed upon Mara’s anxiety and depression, claimed she was bipolar when she suspected infidelity, and threatened to have her institutionalized. All of his issues were aggressively projected onto her.
I will admit, I lacked a lot of patience for Dave, but that may be due to a personal conflict. Another experience this book inspired that I did not expect was déjà vu. I witnessed first-hand a marriage nearly identical to Dave and Mara’s, between the parents of someone with whom I was once very close. There is a scene in the book where Mara hires a private investigator, because she is convinced Dave is cheating. Dave noticed the PI following him, and this caused a gigantic fight. I lived through this exact scenario. I witnessed the explosive fights, the lack of trust, and the alcoholism. I almost emailed the author to ask if “Dave” and “Mara” were aliases. I mention this, because I truly believe that all readers, survivors or not, will find a way to connect Denial to their own lives.
Reading Dave’s story was also a personal challenge, being a survivor myself. Though a very different situation, I could relate to Dave’s feelings of guilt and his questioning of what he could have done differently. I know how hard the journey of self-forgiveness is, especially when it takes so long to stop denying what really happened. What was strange for me, personally, was this book felt like a glimpse into the future. Having previously been in a very unhealthy relationship, I felt as though Denial was a map of what my life would have been, had I not found the courage to walk away. I only wish Dave had been able to experience such healing.
Denial: Abuse, Addiction, and a Life Derailed by Nanette Kirsch is brilliantly written, and it is one of the most honest accounts of the Catholic Abuse Scandal I have ever read. It pulls no punches, and it does not paint a picture of healing and forgiveness and a happy ending. It shows how ugly and traumatic abuse really is, leading Dave down a rode of destruction that led to his suicide. Kirsch vividly portrayed how trauma lingers and is passed on to those close to abuse victims. Dave never received justice, and his children are still without a father. However, books like this, as well as all of the victims coming forward today, give me hope that survivors can come forward and find the healing they so desperately need.
If you are a survivor, and you need someone to talk to, please do not hesitate to reach out. You are not alone.